Broken wings
by Dayreader
Summary: "Things can feel so unbelievably good for some time. But then one day you can just fucking trip, and fall down that hole again. And you don't know how to climb back up again. I had managed to be happy for the first time in a very long time, but the darkness finally catches up on you- And everything begins to fade away. " Chloe POV, and how she tackles depression.
1. Chapter 1: Lost

I studied her, unfolding her hipster-torn jeans jacket, putting the piece of clothing on- making her become the startling goddess she was. She stood up from the bed, her hips swayed towards the direction of the hallway door, and I could swear that the time froze still. Her clothes sculpted her figure, and she was the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on.

"What's the light that I see in your eyes, Chloe?" her smile made the world fade away all around.

"Just a quick glance at you reminds me of why I'm still here."

In that very moment, I knew that I was falling- I was falling so fucking hard.

Things can feel so unbelievably good for some time. But then one day you can just fucking trip, and fall down that hole again. And you don't know how to climb back up again. I had just managed to be happy for the first time in a very long time, but the darkness eventually catches up on you-

One step in front of the other, I balanced over the rails. My hands out in the air as a bird's wings caught in the wind. My heart beat as fast the rhythmic rain, drumming against the rigid mud. The thought of an inclosing train made my head rush cold, as the corners of my lips pointed up, thrilled of excitement. The tracks began to quiver as the trains heavy weight rocked forwards, and I looked into the lights in a taunted manner. A loud shriek came to life as the train began to slow down in its haste- I lost my balance, and my foot caught under the rail. I found myself folding in half to the point- my chest collided against the iron tracks. I fought with my lungs to gather air- and for a moment, I truly believed the impact had defeated me. My nerves spiraled out of control, and I kicked my foot out of the tracks and rolled out of the way of the merciless train. I hiccupped, both my arms holding me tight, my eyes watering. I had never felt more alone. I just wanted to self destruct, I don't know why, but I just didn't want to "be" anymore. I managed to be so happy when Max was still around, but as she left, together with her, everything was beginning to fade away. It felt as the whole world around me had an expiration date about to hit soon. But as I returned to my thoughts, in hope that Max would return one day – it gave me the strength to raise from the ground, and to put on a limp show on the way home.

Her head as fragile as glass, I held her very essence between my palms. She was the most beautiful, and purest creation I had witnessed walking the earth – as far as I could tell in experience of my entire sixteen passing years. I stand in front of the mirror, and I can still see her, I imagine her lips pointing up, her teeth's showing along with her tongue stuck in the middle, her arms around my chest.

 _I swear to you that I will never let go of you- as far as I know, you're the one who makes me smile in a way – I haven't been able to do for a long time. When I hold your hand, sparks ignite within my body- and I feel as if I can take on the night as an almighty feast: filled of experiences for me to take on, by your side, I stand here, in hope to share those memories of the youthful years along with you._ _If I was granted one wish- it would be to be able to share my life with you._

I wished for a lot of things. I wished I was able to tell Rachel this, as well as I wished that I was able to get a hold of her, and I sincerely wished- that Rachel hadn't left me alone to rot away in Arcadia Bay. But here I stand – alone, accompanied with my journal: the one and only companion I was courageous enough to share my thoughts with.

 _Eleven Am_ : Birds were chirping – as I was hurling over the toilet seat.

Drugging myself was the only way I knew how to stop the pain I felt within – but all the meds came with a price – as hugging the toilet after the rush.

The signal of my phone, vibrating- stopped my breath. I shifted my focus upon the screen, and I drew a sharp breath- _she was back._

My hands rested on the steering wheel as I waited for her presence. Her figure cut through the sun beams, as she approached the car in a shy manner. I opened the car door for her, and she hoped inside, closing the door behind her.

"Are you mad, Chloe?" her voice sounded sincerely afraid.  
"Mad about?"  
"Me leaving… you… this town…"

Things fell silent for a while.

"I never meant to hurt you Chloe. I just… needed to leave this town for a while."  
"It's fine, Max. I've never been better," I cut her off, but she just gave me a look.  
"I really do mean it. Especially since we used to be close."  
"Ah. But that was such a long time ago, who remembers anyways?"  
"I do. I remember. The memories we shared are still here. I hope it's not too late for things to go back the way they used to be- because I really do miss you Chloe- I miss the old us. I miss the fun we used to have. I miss the way we made each other smile." _God if I don't miss you too._  
"Yeah… I wish that I could turn back time too." I stared out the window. You don't just erase people, because there are just people that we can't forget, no matter how hard we try.

"You know. Relationships are like flowers. Beautiful at their peaking youth. But as the time goes, they lose their colors, and gain dull." I looked into her amber eyes. The fuck did I say that. _Shit._ I guess attraction makes you truly dumb.

"What do you mean by that Chloe?"

I waved her off with my hand.

"Are you saying that you've given up on us? That you won't give us a one more time?" I gave her a look.

"What? No-no. I'm just… you left me Max. I know that you can't keep people around in your life forever- but I just thought that we were one of those pirates who said fuck the rules! And once you left- I had no one really. But then I stumbled upon Rachel Amber, and I begun to smile again. But then she disappeared- as it seems that all the people I love do."

 _Oh god Chloe, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry._ She could at least have said, but I guess that Max wasn't the most talkative type after all. She caught me by surprise, as she placed her hand upon mine, holding the wheel.

"I'm sorry."


	2. Chapter 2: Dark

I studied her collarbones, as they were a pure fascination for the eyes: sharp sculpted curves handcrafted by god himself. I raised my gaze back up to meet her eyes- it was if they were looking deep into my soul.

I wanted to tell her how I felt, but I was afraid. The thing was that I can't leave the bad thoughts behind, because I'm surrounded by memories of the dark.

"Chloe?"  
"Mmh?"  
"You did that thing again."  
"What thing?"  
"Where you drift off into nothingness- and become unaware of your surroundings."  
"Oh, sorry, I was just-" she gave me a small smile.  
"It's fine Chloe, I need to head home anyway." And then she left. I guess it was my cue too.

As I knocked on the front door- I was faced with the wrath of David's presence and a disappointment mother. They started talking to me, but I couldn't hear them, as my mind was a mess. I guess we all grow up to recent our parents, no matter if they are good or bad.

And in that instance, I got caught up in my own isolation, my head was going all dark, and I just didn't want to be. I just didn't want to be me.

David knocked furious upon my door.  
And there I was, caught red handed, about to light a joint.

David walked with heavy steps towards me- I didn't think that a second could be so long as it was, waiting for David to shower his wrath upon me. But he surprised me by stopping mid air, giving me a sight that was tired as shit- the words came out dull:

"You don't have a future Chloe. Not if you keep going on like this."

Tell me something enough times, and I will believe it.

"Just please. Just tell me what it was exactly that I did to make you toss me aside and not give a fuck about me anymore. How am I worse than any other dad out there? What did I ever do to make you feel like this? Where did I go wrong? I just can't fucking do this anymore, so please tell me- because I want to know what it was that I did wrong- This isn't how I want our relationship to end."

"Are you _fucking_ kidding me?! A dad?! You? You're not half the man he was! Not even close! You're a fucking dick who expects people to follow your orders! To bow at every command!"

It's a really fucking depressing thought, that David became so obsessed about finding out what the fuck he did to mess this up this bad. It's even sadder though, that he felt like his only way to redeem himself was to force me into speaking up what exactly it was that he did to make me recent him.

I felt trapped inside my shouting mind, alone against a crowd of untamed thoughts, dug down deep within my mind, as they were meant to be – isolated and left in oblivion.

"All I ever wanted was a relationship with you Chloe. I have been nothing but kind to you- I won't ever understand how you can disrespect me this much." He ripped my joint out of my hand and stormed out of my room.

You don't understand how lonely I get, once the darkness hits, and I'm left to struggle with my thoughts, who tempt me to silence them all.

"I don't owe you anything", I spoke out in the empty room. I went over to my bedside table, and pulled out my drawer, faced with my jar of pills, I took all three of them.

I used to be unable to swallow a single pill without quantities of water.  
Now I didn't need water at all.

If I ever tried to poison myself, no one would know. They would just assume that I finally pursued my non-existent future, a nobody who decided to leave this town, and earth itself.

If I killed myself, I would be set free, but then I thought of Max: and how I would lose everything.

Is life, its good parts, worth waiting for? Do I win something by staying- even if every breath pains me?

My chest tightened, and it felt like I had this pressure weight on top of me- all the nerves were rocking me out of balance, and it felt like I would collapse. I felt that I only had the energy to breathe. I felt drained. My whole me: completely gone.

The thing is, that I just can't. I can't tell them because I don't know how. I can't have my feelings dismissed anymore. It's just so sad how a person can feel so miserable. It took 19 years to reach this stop- this didn't happen overnight. I just couldn't do this anymore. I can't deal with the swings from good to bad anymore. I can't face them with a smile when they stop acting like pricks for an hour or two. I just can't.

* * *

 _I am fine._  
I liked writing lies.  
They came in their purest form, casual white lies.  
It was too tempting to not speak them out loud, as the only one those few words were hurting was me.

I felt surrounded by the lethal smoke created by the people around me- it reminded me of the toxicity in the air of this very town and its essence. Oh if I wanted to burn down the city to the ground.

And the thought hit hard: I needed Max. To see her before I did something dumb.


	3. Chapter 3: Out of my fucking mind

I wandered around the house – no plan, no hesitation, no doubt. I didn't reach any goals, I didn't improve anything – what I did do was to drift into nothingness. No words can describe the tranquility in my head, as I listened to the music that let my brain stay silent.

I called her.  
And she appeared – in front of me. Her sweatshirt and pink shirt: she looked beautiful in anything, or more correctly: she was breathtaking. Her eyes drifted on and off into the present- and the times she was here: she was absolutely marvelous. She was beautiful in a million ways – I couldn't ever be.

And that's when I saw it: her tired gaze crack through her layers of beauty.

"Max. I need you."

"What's wrong?"  
My head rushed cold, but yet I stuck around, I grabbed her hand.

"Whenever I'm around you- nothing can ever be wrong Max."

I think we all want to feel unconditional love; whether we find it in family, friends or partners: but the one thing that is very clear, is that love is a fragile thing. People will not always be there for you. Parents don't live forever. You'll break up friendships that mean the world to you, and partners will come and go, as love itself is a fluid thing- like an hourglass, it comes oozing down into nothingness.

"Chloe?"

"Every breath I draw is for you Max. I think of you and I think of the pain I'd cause, and I hold myself off. I stay for you. "

"Stay?"

And that's when I told her.

 _I told her everything._

* * *

Once I had let out all the air out of my lungs, I wondered if this was what redemption felt like: _nothing_. I guess that telling someone about your inner self doesn't automatically fix things, but I did have to admit that I did feel a hundred times lighter.

All I love was right beside me.  
Autumn leaves were falling out off their branches.  
And here was I, holding hands with Max Caulfield.

I didn't think that I had ever experienced this kind of love, before I had met her.  
She meant the world to me.

* * *

And the song that I listened to- it hit me up real good- I felt like I was falling. Falling mid air, caught by the hands of the wind that kept me afloat. I turned up the music and I could feel my head rush. This feeling was one hundred times better than any drug and alcohol.

 _I'm fucked up, I'm faded I'm so complicated  
Those things that I said They were so overrated  
But I-I-I-I-I-I, yeah, I meant it  
Oh yeah, I-I-I-I-I-I, really fucking meant it_

The Chainsmokers really got to me. Their voice, their music: all my feelings trapped in one song. I listened to that one song the entire night, I kept turning the volume up until I could no longer hear anything, but the beautiful melody knocking around the room.

My thoughts were silenced: and I was still breathing, my heart was still beating, and I was still here.

 _I thought I-I-I-I-I-I can shake this off_

 _No, I-I-I-I-I-I can't be this soft_

The door to my room opened: And I was faced with my mom. Her lips spoke words the music drowned. I was sure she was going to turn off the radio: but she sat down beside my in my bed. Her expression seemed focused.

 _I gave up three times this week  
Went through those feelings Like I wasn't worth nothing_

She didn't scold at me, nor did she raise her hand at me for abusing my radio. Rather, she looked at me, gathering a sympathetic look: and placed her hand upon mine. And we listened to the song together, our hearts beating at the rate of the drums.

Eventually the radio faded out, and the remaining thing singing out in the room were our breathing lungs. I distinguished this painful look in my mothers glassed eyes, her voice was subtle, "It hurts me Chloe to see you in this great pain. I just don't understand why you won't talk to me anymore."

It was hard for me to explain something I don't really understand either. My mind was a mess, I had no answers to this riddle, rather than the hint that I was fucked up.

"You don't have to talk to me right now Chloe. But I just hope that you know, that I am here for you when you feel ready, I am your mother, Chloe. I will always love you, no matter what you choose, or who you become. You're the most important thing in my world: because you're my daughter."

I was startled, and I looked at her like a complete idiot who had forgot how to move their tongue and lips to form proper words. Crap, I could feel tears about to hit the corner of my eyes. She couldn't see me like this. I wouldn't let her, so I put on a smile.

Speaking was foreign to me. _Sometimes I just couldn't.  
_ I considered telling her my feelings, the thousands of words which held my mind hostage.

Somehow, I felt like I was lost- far away, and yet stuck in captivity: all of this at the same time.

I had no idea where I was, or who I was. But I did know, deep within, that I was somewhere.

"What if I don't find myself in time?" I surprised myself speaking those words out loud. There was the question again. Was I asking if my mind had gotten lost? Mom gave me a small smile.

"Of course you will Chloe. I was just as lost as you at your age."

 _Lost or gone? I couldn't tell anymore._

* * *

David entered the room without knocking.

Wasn't me, my mom and my identity crisis enough for the room as it was? David went over to the radio, ripped its cord out of the wall, and took it into his hands.

I turned mad in an instance. I wouldn't let him take away the one thing that made me feel me.  
"Give it back!"

"No! You've abused this thing enough already, you can't do whatever you please without consequences! Maybe this will teach you." He began to walk away, I gave my mom a quick look: and I saw that she wouldn't do anything. So I jumped out of the bed and tried to grab the radio, but he yanked it away in a haste movement. I tried to grab the radio over and over again, I held his arm as he approached the stairs, and I wouldn't let go, I just couldn't. My wrists began to feel sore as I fought with him.

And that's when he lost the grip of the radio, and it fell, a loud crash shrieked as it collided against the floor.

The one thing that made me feel alive was dead.  
I couldn't hold the tears back anymore.  
I had lost.  
I began to feel dizzy, my chest sharpened. I was so mad and sad and upset that my fist collided with David's palm. I just wanted to fold in half. And in that moment I just lost it, I drifted in and out off my mind... where was I? I felt like I was lying to myself for disappearing into the kingdom of darkness and oblivion. The one thing filling the air were my sobbing's and screams. _Where am I_ , _Where am I_ , "WHERE AM I?!" I yelled, hitting David's chest over and over again. And so I felt David's arms form around me, as a gentle hug. I just felt too fucked up to care or rip myself out, my fists rested against his chest and I continued to cry, the mess that I was.


	4. Chapter 4: Break up

Chaper 4 – Break up

"Cut it off Chloe", Max scolded as I had tried to yank her arm. She seemed so pissed off lately, what was wrong?

"Max are you okay?"

"Never been better", she gritted her teeth.

"Alright, alright", I threw my hands up in the air.

She had this whole negativity going on, and it lasted for _weeks._

But I stuck around: all for her.

* * *

But one day it all snapped, as I saw Max run out crying from Mr. Jefferson's class. I called out for her, but she didn't stop. I tried to run after her, my hands around her arm:  
she ripped herself out of my grip and shut me out. She left me in the middle of the corridor, and I couldn't help but kick in a locker. The hit hurt like hell, but at least it made me feel something.

Kate walked up to me.  
Sometimes eyes can speak louder than a thousand words.

"Don't take it too personal Chloe… She's just stressed out because of school".

"Not personal? What, she talked to you?"

Her fear confirmed my thoughts.

"Ha, right. Of course, she'd tell you and not me." With my temper on fleek, I left, letting out a big growl as I exited the school.

* * *

I remember the time she would just look at me, and look and look and look, and just smile. I'd ask her why, and she would answer "Because I'm here with you".

But days turned into weeks and weeks, and the time kept on swishing by: until I no longer felt like going on like this.

"Max, I don't think I can do this anymore. You've shut me out. I can't be with you when you're like this."

"Stop. Just stop." She had this strange look I couldn't recognize.

"If you can't be with me anymore – I understand. You think I'm a useless piece of shit, you just-"

"Max! No! That's not true! What the fuck?!"

"Quit the bullshit Chloe. I know you. And I wish today that I didn't."

"You're hurting me, Max. I love you—but I can't be with you when you're like this."

She was shaking.

"Bullshit! Fuck this, FUCK YOU! All you ever talk about is how sad or depressed you are. You never loved me- and I guess I should be happy about it—because you're a horrible person Chloe. I wish I hadn't ever met you."  
"You know what? This's so low. If you're going to act all psycho, then fuck off. I have nothing else to say to you if you won't listen."

"Yeah, to hell with you Chloe Price, and all the time I've spent wasting on you."

 _Wasted time._ What a gut punch. And there it was again, Max wearing her mask of fury and- the face of a stranger. The corner of her eyes was itching red, as her eyes all blank, and she left: her silhouette blended into one with the woods.

I didn't shout out for her.  
I didn't try to catch her.  
I let her walk.  
If there hadn't been that many "I's", maybe she wouldn't have left in first place.

 _Maybe she would have been alive today._

* * *

Turns out, you can't throw all your feelings unto a person, all the time, non-stop.

Because that's why they leave: when one day it becomes too much for them.

I blamed myself for what had happened that very night, because I hadn't been there for her.

I had been too self involved, to notice, that she was hurting too. I just assumed she had grown tired of me, of our relationship: not the relationship to the world.

I guess we all hurt, every now and then: but the choice is up to us, to admit that we're hurting out loud or not. I truly wished Max hadn't shut herself in. She could have gotten help: the kind of help I decided to get for the both of us.

* * *

I stood in front of the podium, gazing over the public, standing beside my best friend. I saw how people looked oddly at my outfit, torn jeans, cracks in the arms of my shirt...

"Yes, I know that I may not wear the typical ironed grieving outfit, but at least I'm wearing black, right folks?" No one smiled, but I guess I had that coming, since this was a funeral after all.

"So, I'm standing here, because Max parents asked me to give a speech, because I've known Max since we were kids. So, I guess you all will have to bare with me 'til I'm done." As soon as I had spoken the first word, it had been too late to back down.

"Well, let's make it clear: I won't be standing up here, talking about the obvious, like Max was a brilliant photographer or what a great friend… or lover she was." I heard someone clear their throat.

"There doesn't go a day by where I'm not mad at her for what she did. I keep thinking: if she would just have said something. If she would have just _warned_ me, or something. Maybe she did do that, but I was too blind to see it. I'm not sure if I will ever forgive myself for not noticing, for not knowing, how much pain she was in." My tongue felt silent, together with my lips.

"The truth is… no. The fact is that Max suffered from an illness. Now, I don't say that it was entirely the illness that killed her: but a mix of her own demons and genetics. But no matter how much I will dwell on her choice of action: not being able to forget her, I understand. I know what it's like to feel worthless and out of place, feeling as if I don't fit in this world we were born to take part in. What Max did: was one of the worst things that has ever happened in my life, like loosing my dad. Maybe she thought that the pain would go away when she did what she did. And somehow it did: by inflicting it unto others. I won't ever forgive her for doing what she did. And I've come to realize that I don't ever want to put anyone through what she did. So, I've decided that I'd live for the both of us." I placed my fist unto my chest.

"How cheesy it may sound: Max Caulfield, you'll be in my heart forever."

* * *

 **Thank you, guys, for taking the time of reading this story. I really appreciate the reviews, as they mean a lot to me. So again, thank you.**


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